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Resentment

Resentment

I must have dozed off at the portals of my mind recently – although it still happens, it is happening less frequently, and for shorter periods of time, so for that I’m grateful.

A whole lot of negativity can flood in during a little bit of dozing. The undertow of the wrong kind of thoughts can overpower quickly and with great force.

A Glass of Hype

A Glass of Hype

About a decade ago, I weakly attempted to broach the subject of alcohol with my former doctor. I had summoned the courage to confide that I thought I might be drinking too much.

She stopped writing in my chart, looked me in the eye, and said, “Are you drinking every day?”  “Yes,” I said, averting her eye. After what felt like a very long pause but probably wasn’t, she went back to writing in my chart and said, “Well they say a glass of red wine every day is good for you. It’s not like you’re drinking a whole bottle.”

Ginger Ale and Gratitude

Ginger Ale and Gratitude

Ginger Ale and Gratitude: my new cocktail of choice. Make it a double.

I imbibed in it with some colleagues recently following a large corporate event that wound down to a table in the hotel bar. Hotel bars still occupy a soft and loving spot in my heart as long as I am strong in my program, and my sobriety is affirmed by my inward thoughts and outward actions.  Proving (to myself) that great times are indeed possible with soft drinks is a satisfying and reassuring experience, along with the bonus of being free to observe the “entertainment” evolve in front of my very eyes.

50 Shades of Green

50 Shades of Green

Riding on the back of a motorcycle along back roads in this area on a recent warm and sunlit morning felt like a smorgasbord of fresh smells, sights, and signs of spring in the air and on the ground.

Gazing to my left, to my right, in front of me, and in the rearview mirror, green was all I could see around me much of the time. But the word “green” couldn’t begin to convey the vast array of shades within my gaze. There was pale green of the tall field grass swaying in the breeze, the deep, lush, rich green grass covering the flat meadows, and the dark green on the newest tips of the smallest baby leaves on the trees and shrubs. How do you explain or describe a color?

Keep the Change

Keep the Change

Each month when I turn the calendar page, I mentally celebrate a mini milestone. My sobriety date is a first of a month – May 1 (Day 1) and while that part is easy to remember, with time zooming so quickly a full running tally is not at the tip of my tongue. Instead I’ve taken to saying ‘I am 4 and change.’

Restless, Irritable, Discontent

Restless, Irritable, Discontent

The Higher Power, Grand Overall Design, How It Works, Thinking Stuff, the Thing Itself… Whatever you want to call it, although I felt suddenly devoid of It these past few days, I realized It’s working perfectly as always. In the absence of feeling great and on top of the world – in fact in the glaring presence of feeling dreadful and lowdown, I know with certainty that I am still connected and I can trust the process. Even in my crankiness and panic.

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