“The truth is true wherever you find it. Remember, sugar is sweet whether you find it in a sugar bowl or in a dust pan.”
“We asked Him to remove our fear, and direct our attention to what He would have us be.”
Drinking Dreams and Hidden Fears
Drinking dreams enveloped me the past two nights. In both dreams, my drinking was conscious; I was fully aware. Weird that in the first dream I clearly decided not only to drink, but to lie to my sponsor about it. By the second dream, I’d decided to chuck my sobriety out the window all together.
What?! Where did that come from? When I awoke and reality slowly dawned, I felt such relief, such gratitude for my sobriety, for the work I’ve done, for the work yet to do, and for the growth that goes so far beyond a linear measuring stick.
But that lying part of it – I used to lie, and then lie to myself that I wasn’t really lying. It came naturally to me. In my dream it felt natural again. I decided I would not tell my sponsor or anyone that I had drank (a lot of) red wine, which I never even really liked anyway but only drank as the only option. By the second night of dreaming, I wasn’t even lying – I was just walking away from my whole sober life.
Maybe it’s me trying to grapple with recent news cycle events and the impossible to ignore anymore dismal state of racial relations in our country, despite so much obvious progress in that area. The fact that somewhere deep in the national psyche lurks some icky festering nasty place that has yet to be healed, which can flare up and do damage if the right emotional trigger gets tripped.
Maybe I do have a fear of drinking again, that some icky festering yet-to-be healed place exists in me. I do know I am not immune unless I stay in conscious contact with the path of spirituality that is illuminated to me via AA and SOM. This is my safety net that provides a soft landing so I won’t splatter, and so I can get back up and locate the path again. Trudge on. It’s always there – it doesn’t disappear. I may lose sight of it but now I know I don’t have to look very far to find it. It’s right there where it always was. In and all around me.
I truly believe I do not carry within any misplaced or hidden hatred or lingering resentments about myself or anyone else, but I am learning through AA and SOM to stay on guard for them. Just because I am not aware yet, does not mean they are not there. Peeling the onion. Aware and Acknowledge – another AA that helps secure sobriety, serenity, and spirituality.
I don’t have to lie to myself anymore. I don’t have to pretend all is well at all times. I can acknowledge that I have fears even when I know there is something greater than me, in and all around me that I can trust for support. Even when I resist coaxing the fears out of the dark places of my subconscious and expose them to the light to be re-minded they’re not valid.
Today may I notice if I judge myself or others harshly, and immediately rethink that. I am whole perfect and complete and so are you. Always with a chance to do more, grow more, and learn more.
Are you open to revealing and healing any potentially lurking dark fears or beliefs?
Do you judge others more harshly or more gently than you judge yourself?
If you say you don’t judge others (or yourself), are you sure?
In gratitude, harmony and support,