As you forgive others, you begin to forgive yourself. As you stop focusing on their mistakes, you will stop punishing yourself for your own. Your ability to release what you think of as the sins of others will free you to release yourself, putting down the weapon with which you punish yourself so savagely. Forgiveness releases the past to divine correction and the future to new possibilities.
You may know the 12 steps through AA or NA . These steps can be applied to any organization or group. Most religions have taken the 12 steps and given them a spin, incorporating their ideals. This makes for a creative and personalized way to relate and integrate into your life. Below are the 12 steps adapted to fit Buddhism. Perhaps you may find some connection to this version of the well-known steps.
I see triggers and forces all over the place. Or, if I am paying attention, I can choose to see them as reminders that when I’m aligned with my Higher Power, and the Divine Infinite, I am free. I can choose not to engage in that behavior, verbal exchange, sweet treat, cocktail, or even thought – I can do a contrary action or no action at all.
For me, recovery from love addiction has been a slow, less-than-perfect practice. Though stopping all addictive patterns at once is what’s recommended, this wasn’t my path. The biggest tool that 12 step recovery for sex and love addiction gave me was that it taught me to become aware of my thoughts, and to realize how obsessive thinking leads to compulsive behavior. While some people might be able to “get away with” carrying on emotional affairs, I can’t. For a sex and love addict, even seemingly innocent flirtation is not innocent. The moment I feel myself triggered, I disengage.
Popular wisdom suggests that you can create gratitude out of thin air. That the only thing that you need to be grateful right now is the decision to change how you are looking at things. To some extent I can believe this. For example, you can essentially force your brain to shift into gratitude by sitting down and writing out a list. Make a gratitude list. Nearly every sponsor in AA and NA has instructed their sponsee to do this at some point. Sit down and write out every single thing that you are grateful for. Oh and just to be sure that you are actively seeking for things that you are grateful for, make the list 50 items long.
As I look back to those days when alcohol worked its magic, I can see how it was my go-to stress reliever. I didn’t look within for the source of my stress. That would have violated my personal creed: Only the unexamined life is worth living. All I knew was alcohol rounded the edges of my stress and allowed me to stuff it away. What I failed to understand was this avoidance pattern only intensified my stress and anxiety. What I resisted persisted. So the cycle would begin again after the next day of work. On and on. Finally, I couldn’t drink enough to silence the strident voices of my stress.
Gary C. always had time to sit with a friend, particularly a Friend of Bill. He wanted his fellows to know there is a way out of the abyss. Sober for 22 ½ years after banging around on the streets of Hollywood where he grew up – and not the movie star, glamorous side of the block – he spoke at AA meetings. He attended AA conventions, and men’s retreats. He served breakfast at these events. He washed dishes afterwards. He did whatever was needed. He connected with newcomers and old-timers.
We are in a constant state of wanting. Wanting the next stage, wanting the next thing to happen, wanting because we do not want to be where we are. When I get to the next stage in my life I will truly be successful. My life will have started. I will have everything I have always wanted. It will be great then.