Sometimes my character defects flare up and smack me in the face. I hate that.
I’m ok with thinking about them at arm’s length and listing them as is suggested in the 6th step. I can rattle them off by the score. But when I find myself in the midst of them, or notice them in the midst of my behavior, it’s a different feeling.
Peeling the onion is one of the many phrases, slogans, and concepts in recovery. It is an appropriate comparison that makes sense to me… think of those thin almost translucent layers that suddenly are ready to slide off and be shed, released. Almost imperceptible to the whole but one layer closer to the core, to the center.
By default or design – that is the way one of my teachers explains how I experience each and every day. I get it. Consciously deciding daily (at least once, often frequently) to re-up my commitment to my sobriety, to myself, and to my higher power nature. That is the only way I get to design the experience I want in my sobriety, in the way I relate to people, places, and things, and to life itself. Otherwise I may default to my prior, less skillful ways of behaving and interacting.
One day fairly early on in my sobriety I returned home before my then-husband was home from work. My first conscious thought that evening was, “Oh good I can meditate for a few minutes and center myself.”
Gratitude is everything. It is the magnet that attracts more things worthy of gratitude. It is reciprocal and expansive. It somehow telegraphs to the Infinite that there is an open, active, and receptive energy in play.
Oh how I long for yesterday – well not really. With the utmost respect for Paul McCartney this wistful phrase does not particularly apply to me and to other alcoholics as far as I can tell. Sure there are moments from the past that I would like to repeat, and others I only wish I could do over.