By now, I’ve gotten much better at remembering that I am not running the show. But along with not running the show, I must also remember not to let the show run me. I can control the energy with which I approach and relate to the holidays. I can set boundaries and act upon my highest intentions for the outcome I wish to create. And then not be attached to that outcome, and simply show up in my best and highest and most present self.
I’m not going to try and wrap this up in a pretty bow. When the initial high of sobriety fades, life is still life. Sometimes, that life is amazing and shiny and wonderful. Sometimes, it’s dark and lonely and scary. Other times, most times for me, it’s a mix of the two. And that’s ok, for today. Hopefully it can be enough for you, too.
This month we get to officially turn up the volume on our gratitude. Those of us who are lucky enough to be in recovery know that gratitude on a daily basis goes a long way toward serenity. I want to go beyond the “obvious” ones – even though gratitude for waking up in the morning upon waking up in the morning is a great way to get on this powerful wavelength. Did you know that gratitude is said to be the frequency of abundance? The list goes on… What would you add to this endless list of affirmative gratitudes?
I live in thankfulness every day. I set a special intention this precious month when we set aside time to gather with friends and family members -some we easily adore, others who challenge us to practice the principles – and know we are willing and able to be thankful for each and all. I am grateful for the perspective I have gained in my recovery. I am grateful to be sober today and grateful for the tools to stay that way through all of the gatherings, and each of the emotions the holiday season brings.
I tried living my life and working my recovery with a spotlight on my flaws and my assets. It was tough. I felt lousy when I didn’t live up to an asset, and very guilty when I acted out on my defects. This thing called a “conscience” came alive. Day after day I became more uncomfortable in my life until I had to surrender once again. The words “all” and “entirely” provide a strong message to me. I couldn’t trim weeds from one area of the garden and expect weeds in other areas not to flourish.
Recently I had the opportunity to speak to a group of Normies about the 12 Steps. The phrase “12-Step Program” is so ingrained in our culture now, but beyond the phrase itself, therein lies a mystery. Many people don’t realize that there really are 12 Steps and that they are a step-by-step process for self-awareness, self-discovery, and self-improvement. Many may not know that each step is affiliated with a universal principle.
They say you should remember your last drink, but I was a messy, blackout, bottle-slugging drunk, so ‘drinks’ were just formalities – things I had in public when trying to convince you that I could drink like a gentlewoman. What I (constantly) did in my own time involved a steady flow of liquor where ‘drinks’ were kind of undefinable. So I don’t remember my last drink. But, as long as I live, I’ll never forget those liquor counters.
If I ever doubted that the promises are real and do come true, the events of this week would make a believer out of me. Ten years ago, none of this would have been possible. Nor would my perception be acute enough to appreciate the exquisite nature of divine wisdom.