The Higher Power, Grand Overall Design, How It Works, Thinking Stuff, the Thing Itself… Whatever you want to call it, although I felt suddenly devoid of It these past few days, I realized It’s working perfectly as always. In the absence of feeling great and on top of the world – in fact in the glaring presence of feeling dreadful and lowdown, I know with certainty that I am still connected and I can trust the process. Even in my crankiness and panic.
Who do you think you are? I heard that a lot growing up. Usually when I was “acting out” or living large in some way unbefitting to a little kid. I don’t recall it having the feeling tone of “I’ll tell you who you are: you are a magnificent being of light with unlimited possibilities!”
Although I love words and respect their power, all this is beyond words. My recovery is beyond words–the depth of the relief and happiness and freedom that comes with it. When I hear others speak of it, I know they lack words too. No problem. Their emotional passion is communicated loud and clear. Recovery, Higher Power, Green… whatever. I will think less and feel more. And continue to stay in conscious contact with It so I can notice it all around me.
Balance. Middle Ground. That’s seems almost as elusive as perfection to me, but a much more worthy aim. And the good news is, there’s more of a range to aim for. It’s not an absolute, finite spot to hit or miss. The only absolute I need is that I absolutely may not drink alcohol or do recreational drugs. Ever. And even that’s getting easier to conceive of and accept. I no longer miss those things – even though “one day at a time” does have a nice ring and is a reliable mantra for so much more than addictions. I realize that my “go-to fix” is not anything outside myself anymore.